Detention Ain't Half Bad...
by Wicked Spring
Summary: A friend and I are sent to detention, and end up travelling with the Fellowship until they can finally put us off at a safe place. Desperately trying not to have this be a Mary-Sue. FULL of insanity. Hot springs involved.
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Wow! Our first collab! So exciting! This first chapter is in my (Rita's) POV. Next chappy will be in Jessica's POV. And so on and so forth. BTW, I'm also on here as "Little Rat." Jessica would be "Red Rose".  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Poke. Poke, poke, poke. If there is one thing math class is good for, and, yes, there very well may be, it is poking people. More so, poking your friends to pass them notes. And that's what I was doing right at the moment. I was poking my friend Jessica with a nice, pointy pencil and keeping an eye on the math teacher.  
  
"Jeeeesssssiiiiieeee…"  
  
Finally my friend turned around, trying to look annoyed, but her hazel eyes gave away a smile.  
  
"What is it now?"  
  
"I fell asleep again…did I miss anything?"  
  
"Not much,,,just some boring crap that will *never* be any use to us later."  
  
"Ah."  
  
I gave our "conversation" a rest, as the teacher was starting to turn our way again. Turning my head from her, I switched my maths textbook with a sketchbook and began yet another drawing of my favorite subject: Legolas, posing au naturel.  
  
I am not a pervert, I am an artist.  
  
Jessica turned around, peeking over the top of my sketchbook and smiling.  
  
"Very, very, very good…" she approved. "Is *all* you ever draw Legolas- related, now?"  
  
"Pretty much, yeah."  
  
We both grinned at each other and resumed our pretenses of doing math. Jessie was writing "I love Ryan" all over her binders (she had 3 down, two to go, so far) and I was doing…um…figure study…in my sketchbook. Yes. Figure study. That is what I shall call it.  
  
At the front of the class, our teacher had stopped walking stiffly around and snapping at the class like she had a broom shoved all the way up her---never mind. I didn't notice, as I was getting very absorbed in my work. Most of the class took her silence as a relief from tortures beyond anything Sauron could think up, but Jessica was frantically trying to warn me as our teacher swooped down on our desks like, um, a hawk with a broom up her bum.  
  
"Rita! Rita! Ri---"  
  
Jessie was cut off by my teacher's angry, shrilling, and over-all annoying as *Hell* voice.  
  
"Miss Stahl! Miss Penny! What is this I see? Using class time to chat? What have I told you about this?"  
  
Jessica was keeping her mouth shut ( a wise decision), and I…well…I was distracted. My drawing was turning out so nice and *lifelike*! I mean, I *had* to admire it. At the cost of my reputation with my math teacher (which was already not a good one.)  
  
"Miss Stahl! What, exactly, are you doing instead of your work?"  
  
"Well, *I* like to call it sketching. That's just me, though, I'm sure there are far many more professional opinions on the subj---hey!!!"  
  
My evil teacher from Hell had just snatched the book out of my hands. I felt a headache coming on. I could see her eyes widen as she took in my beautiful, glorious, quite naked Elfy-boi. Detention time, coming right up.  
  
"Oh my goodness! Miss Stahl! What is this…this…*trash* that you're drawing?  
  
Really! And on class time…you are not supposed to use math class to draw soft- core porn!"  
  
"Eh, that's figure study."  
  
"Detention, immediately! You too, Miss Penny, for talking in class! I warned you girls about this…"  
  
She continued to mutter to herself as she wrote out slips for us to head to the detention hall, and finally waved us out of the class with a flick of the wrist and a bitchy glare.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Merry and Pippin were idly sprawled out on their bedrolls, watching the rest of the Fellowship stop to break camp on the way to Caradhras. Everything was going fine so far, and it was more like a casual journey to the nearest township, or whatever, than an all-important quest to Mordor to destroy one of the most perilous magical items known or unknown to any of the free peoples of Middle Earth.  
  
"Pippin?"  
  
"What, Merry?"  
  
"I'm bored."  
  
The younger Hobbit thought about this for a minute, before nodding his head in the affirmative. "Me too…I wish something would happen. Want to help me steal that hat o' Gandalf's?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Jessica?"  
  
"Yeah, Rita?"  
  
"I'm bored. This sucks."  
  
"I know. I'm bored too. It *does* suck!"  
  
Yet another inspired, intellectual and deep conversation between Jess and I was taking place in…the Horror of detention hall. If you ask me, that place is worse than Mordor, and people are sent there for the *stupidest* reasons. Such as talking in class.  
  
"I'm gonna get more paper, Jess. Maybe I should actually write the essay we're supposed to do instead of writing fanfics, no?"  
  
" I need more paper, too. Let's go get some."  
  
Walking over to the supply cabinet, we pulled out about 3 packages with about five hundred sheets of lined paper, and turned to go back to the mindless droning of writing an essay on why alleged "soft-core porn" is an unhealthy thing for students to get into, when I turned to grab another pack (I'm an avid writer of fanfics, and I can't always get to a computer)and noticed…a change.  
  
Yeah, you could call it a change. The inside had gone all silvery and swirly, and I could see snatches of other countries (other dimensions? Other *worlds*?) inside of it.  
  
"Hey, Jessi?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
I grabbed hold of my friend's hand, and stepped into the portal, or whatever the heck it was.  
  
"Let's go!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Pippin and Merry had successfully snatched Gandalf's hat from him, and were running all over the camp and throwing it to various other members of the Fellowship, when the game was cut short in a rather odd way. A REALLY, really STRANGE odd way.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Aiya! Itai! That really hurts! I think I broke my butt…" I exclaimed, as I picked myself up, and Jessica did the same thing. We were facing a group of people that we had *definitely* not expected to run into anytime soon.  
  
Four short, furry-footed, curly-haired altogether adorable Hobbits.  
  
One gruff-looking, armor-clad, bearded Dwarf.  
  
A tall, beautiful and calm-looking Elf carrying a bow.  
  
Two Men (of Gondor, if you're particular), one with black, chin-length hair who was handsome and rugged but in need of a bath, and the other with a slightly broader frame, a rakish grin and shoulder-length red hair.  
  
Oh, yes, and a Wizard clad in long gray robes, carrying a really cool oaken staff, and with a beard that rivaled the length of my hair.  
  
The Fellowship of the Ring.  
  
We stood in silence for a moment, before I grabbed hold of Jess and broke the silence by screaming:  
  
"Jessica! Tell me, right now, exactly what it is that I've been smoking!!!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A/N: Jessica, *do* you know what I've been smoking? No one does…but I bet you know what happens next! Take 'er away, m' dearest, darling friend! 


	2. Attack! Run Away... Or fight, ok, that w...

It's here! The long awaited 2nd chapter! Sorry it took me so long to get it up! It won't usually take me this long! (I hope) I hope you guys like it! It's rather… strange. But, it's funny. I think. I guess. Oh, you guys be the judges!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"I don't know Rita, I just don't know…." Jessica mumbled, staring wide- eyed at the people in front of them. After all, how many times have you found a portal in the back of a closet in detention that led to Middle Earth and met the Fellowship? … My point exactly.  
  
"What are they?" Pippin whispered to Merry.  
  
"Legolas!" Rita squealed, running to the blonde elf and squeezing him so tight he couldn't breath. Jessica, on the other hand, couldn't decided what to do first. She wasn't sure if she wanted to go hug Aragorn and Boromir at the same time or steal Gandalf's staff first.  
  
"Mine!" Jessica finally decided, grabbing both Aragorn and Boromir in the biggest hug she could manage.  
  
"Gandalf… help… me… please…" Legolas managed to say between gasps for breath, which seemed to elude him ever since the girl at his side at attached herself to him.  
  
"I can't believe it! I'm never going to let you go!" Rita shouted, hugging tighter, if that was possible.  
  
"I love detention!" Jessica exclaimed, letting go of the two men and grabbing Gandalf's staff, waving it around. "I wonder what I can do with this?"  
  
"Put that down right now!" Gandalf yelled, grabbing it from the blonde's hands. (Doesn't that just explain everything?)  
  
"What is going on here?" Gimli yelled, startling Jessica and making Rita smile widely.  
  
"Gimli!" She cried, finally letting go of Legolas (who was thankful for the chance to breath) and grabbing Gimli in a hug which lifted him off the ground.  
  
"No body hugs a dwarf!" Gimli yelled, struggling to get away.  
  
"Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but who are you?" Frodo decided to ask, timidly.  
  
"I'm Rita! This is Jessica! We were in detention because our teacher is just really really mean, and we wanted some paper, so we took some out of the closet, and found a swirly thing, and went in, and came here!" Rita explained very fast, so that all the Fellowship heard was: "Rita. Jessica. Detention mean paper swirly here."  
  
"Oh." Pippin said. He was the only one who had understood all that.  
  
"Mr. Frodo, what do we do now?" Sam asked.  
  
"Oh, look Rita, it's Sam!!" Jessica smiled widely.  
  
"And Frodo, and Merry, and Pippin!" Rita grinned. "It comes in pints? I'm getting one!"  
  
"Hey! I said that!" Pippin exclaimed.  
  
"I know." Rita smiled triumphantly.  
  
Jessica jumped up and down clapping her hands. "This is sooo cool!"  
  
"Gandalf, what are we going to do?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"It seems we have no choice. We do not have time to take them to a safe place, and we cannot leave them here alone. We will have to take them with us."  
  
"Gandalf, I must advise against that." Legolas said, more pleading than advising. He could not handle another "hug" from Rita.  
  
"We get to go with the Fellowship, we get to go with the Fellowship!" Rita and Jessica chanted, spinning in circles.  
  
It came to this. Rita and Jessica would travel with the Fellowship until they could be taken to a safe place. (Jessica and Rita were very happy about this.) They settled down to sleep for the night, but that got interrupted by… Orcs!  
  
"Orcs! Run!" Boromir shouted. "Lady Rita, Lady Jessica, follow me!"  
  
Rita and Jessica did. They ran after the tall man, panting from lack of breath (PE is not high on either of our lists…). Both girls fell. Rita rolled away and bumped into Legolas, who helped her to stand and shot arrows off around her at the same time. Rescued by the one she loves, what could be better?  
  
Jessica, on the other hand, was not so lucky. No sooner had she stood than a big smelly Orc came to attack her. It swiped out at her and she managed to jump aside, but the side of her shirt was ripped in the process.  
  
"Hey! That was my new shirt!" Jessica shouted. She stomped down as hard as she could on the Orc's foot, with her boots on that had heals. Well, the Orc wasn't to happy. Then she punched it in the nose and kicked it's over-sized stomach. By that time, Aragorn had come to her rescue. She stood behind time yelling insults at the Orcs and admiring his fighting skill. What a day. 


	3. For want of a better title...Something U...

~*A/N: Lol, Jessica!! That was hilarious! Bloody fantastic!! And I was acting like…a fangirl?? O.O Oh well! A little Elfie-glompage is never a *bad* thing…(unless of course, you're the Elf who is slowly being constricted, lol) *~  
  
Back in Rita's POV.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Mucho felicidad.  
  
Beaucoup felicite.  
  
Tashou.  
  
Much happiness.  
  
This all summed up my thoughts at that moment, when I heard that we got to travel with the Fellowship until they reached a safe place for us. Of course, there was a downside.  
  
We only got to travel with them until they found a safe place for us!  
  
But, then again, who was I kidding. With Jessica and I around, *no* place can be considered safe.  
  
I was about to grab onto my Elf-prince again, or maybe Jessica, and dance about madly, when Boromir just *had* to cut that short by yelling:  
  
"Orcs! Run! Lady Rita, Lady Jessica, follow me!"  
  
Running in heeled boots and in three-inch-sandals is not advisable, especially not when your guide is much taller and faster than you, and has longer legs, and you aren't so great in PE, anyway.  
  
I was stumbling after Boromir, trying to find a moment to grab an extra breath, when I heard this muffled thumping sound, followed by an "Ow!"  
  
One down. About two seconds later, there was *another* muffled thump, followed by a "Yeeeeee!!!!"  
  
That would have been me, following Jessica's example and tripping, not to mention rolling down a hill.  
  
"Ouch! Ow! Man, this hurts…owwwiiies! Pain…"  
  
Finally, I came to stop…at the feet of an Elf!!! A Legolas elf!!! Maybe falling down hills wasn't so bad, after all…  
  
He shook his head slightly, and extended a hand.  
  
"Get to your feet, Lady. I do not wish any harm to come to you."  
  
Oooh…niceness.  
  
I didn't like just *sitting* there as Legolas fought the Orcs (they didn't stand a *chance* of coming too close at all, Legolas was shooting each new wave of them as they appeared) but really had no idea what to do. Taunting the Orcs, however tempting that was, wasn't a smart thing to do. It would piss them off, and distract Legolas. Fight? The only time I fight is in defense, and we weren't in any immediate danger or anything…but I hated to feel useless by just *sitting* there.  
  
"Hey! That was my new shirt!"  
  
Legolas, having finally killed all of the Orcs, shouldered his bow and we both ran off to see what was happening…  
  
And burst out laughing to find Jessica kicking the shit out of some random Orc, before Aragorn *finally* killed it.  
  
"Wow, Jessica…I didn't know you could fight like that!" I said, still giggling way to hard to make much sense talking.  
  
"Well, it was my new shirt…"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Meanwhile, at home, my mum was pacing around the floor, wondering where I could have gotten to.  
  
"She's probably at Jessica's," she said to herself, muttering. "She said something about that earlier."  
  
She picked up the phone, and dialed Jessie's number, tapping her foot impatiently until Jessica's mom's voice came on the other line.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Oh, hi, Sharon? It's Cruz… I was just wondering if Rita was at your house."  
  
"Well she's not here…I guess that means that Jessica isn't at *your* house, and they're not at Jenny's…"  
  
"OK, then," my mum said, sounding a little worried. " I'll let you know if they show up…they're probably staying late at school for choir practice or something. Bye."  
  
She hung up, before calling my sister into the room.  
  
"Julia? Have you seen Rita or Jessica at all today?"  
  
"No, why?"  
  
"Because neither of them has come home."  
  
"Well…maybe they got eaten by Orcs?" Or turned *into* Orcs? Or Saruman made them slaves? Or---"  
  
My mom sighed to herself. That was what came of letting her see the Lord of the Rings nine plus times.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Ok! Now we're all reunited and stuff, even though we were never really separated before…where are we going tomorrow morning?" I asked, eager to know. "Gandalf's still here…are we going to Caradhras?"  
  
"How did she know?" Sam whispered to Frodo, keeping one suspicious eye on me.  
  
"I don't know…" Frodo whispered back. "Mayhap she is a Maia, like Gandalf? Maybe that is why she knows our future."  
  
I caught the look of suspicion Sam was giving me, and turned to him, saying mock-severely:  
  
"Samwise Gamgee, there is nothing about me to be feared! Therefore, if you do not open up and trust me at least a little, I'll…I'll…I'll turn you into something unnatural!" I finished triumphantly, nodding.  
  
"Ooh! What will she do?" Pippin asked Jessica, looking half afraid, half excited to find out.  
  
"Well, I don't know…" Jessica said, slowly. "She could always give him…a makeover."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A/N: Lol! That was fun…Jessica, what's going to happen? 


	4. Trouble, Stars, and Sleep. A strange (an...

Well, being sick, I have time to write stories! Which means, it won't take me a long time like chappy 2 did! Yay! I don't like to me sick though. But, at least I have time to write! Enjoy everyone! =)  
  
~*~  
  
"Well, I don't know. She could always give him.... a makeover." I told the cute little hobbit. Pippin was my favorite. Or maybe it was Merry? Or Frodo? Or Sam? I like them all.  
  
"A makeover?" Sam trembled at the thought. Being a hobbit, he did not know what a makeover was, and to him it sounded very frightening.  
  
Rita, the ever kind one, smiled at the hobbit. "Don't worry, makeovers don't hurt! They're fun!"  
  
Sam sighed in relief. The rest of the Fellowship watched all this with confused looks on their faces. Finally, Gandalf could not take it anymore.  
  
"Caradhras is where we are going, and I think we should go there now and stop this nonsense."  
  
Now, that would have been a good idea, if it had not been night and getting very dark out. I, being me, had to point this out. I like to be right.  
  
"Gandalf..." I tugged on his sleeve to get his attention. I must have looked cute because I heard an "aw" come from Rita followed by giggles.  
  
"Yes?" Gandalf asked, I think a little softer than he wanted to. That's how I know I looked cute.  
  
"It's getting really late, and it's really dark out here, and, well, I don't think it's a good idea to travel 'cause we can't see and I need to sleep. I get really grumpy if I don't get enough sleep." I made puppy eyes and that settled it. According to my friends (and my mom O_O), no one can say no to me when I do that. (To bad I don't know when i'm making them!!)  
  
"Ok." He said simply. I turned around and grinned at Rita, who burst out laughing.  
  
"Jess, that was soo funny!" Rita said around giggles. Her laughter is contagious. soon I was laughing just as hard, and my sides hurt and my ribs hurt, but I kept laughing because I couldn't stop. At this point, I don't think either of us knew why we were laughing. Or at least I didn't. Maybe Rita did.  
  
"Jess, why are we laughing?" Nope, Rita didn't know either.  
  
I answered with more laughter. That went on for awhile. I guess the Fellowship watched us laugh, I don't know. My eyes were watering to much. But by the time we were done, it was dark and the stars were very bright. (and it's a good thing to because I don't think we would have been able to see without them)  
  
"Oh, look at the pretty stars!" Rita said, looking up. I followed her example.  
  
"We never get to see so many stars at home!" I said, giggling happily.  
  
"Yeah… Home!" Rita gasped. "Jessica, we're supposed to be home right now! We were supposed to be home hours ago! Our mom's must be having an all-time worry attack by now!"  
  
"Oh no!!" I looked frightened. "My mom probably called the police! She'll never let me out of the house after this! I'm sure she thinks I've been kidnapped!"  
  
"What are we going to do? We're never going to be able to leave the house again! It'll be worse than when we had mono!" Rita looked horrified now.  
  
"No! I can't handle that!" I yelled. By now I'm sure the Fellowship was wondering what was wrong with us.  
  
"Lady Rita… Lady Jessica… Is something wrong?" Legolas, ever the caring elf, asked.  
  
Rita smiled, completely happy about the fact that Legolas was worried about her, forgetting that we were going to be killed when we got home.  
  
I, on the other hand, was very happy about being called "Lady Jessica". Having the attention span of a two-year-old, I forgot about being dead in the near future.  
  
"He called me 'Lady Jessica'! How sweet! I'm a Lady now! Heeheehee! I've been called 'Young lady' and 'Miss Jessica' by my mom and dad when I was in trouble, but never 'Lady Jessica'!" What do you expect? I'm blonde. Get used to it.  
  
"If we are going to stay, we should sleep to we can travel quickly tomorrow." Aragorn pointed out. I looked at him. I blinked. He interrupted my happiness. =(  
  
"Ok." Rita said, eyeing Legolas, who took a step away.  
  
I just shook my head and yawned. "Good night everybody!" I said and fell to the ground, already sleeping. One thing about me: When I'm tired, I can fall instantly asleep. (Now this is just a story being told from a third person cause I'm technically asleep and don't know what is being said and what is happening.)  
  
"We should find a covered place to sleep." Boromir suggested.  
  
"Yes." Legolas agreed. "Come, Lady Rita…. Lady Rita?"  
  
They looked around. They looked down. Rita was asleep in the grass like Jessica. Legolas picked up Rita while Aragorn picked up Jessica. (To Julia: =)~) 


	5. The Chapter That Cometh After Chapter Fo...

A/N: Jessica! You are so funny! How on Earth do you write like that? This is one good thing about having mono…we get to write and rest all day! Back in Rita's POV.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Ouch…ouch…and ouch again. Hard ground. Cold weather. And pain. Lots of pain.  
  
I woke up to these conditions, blinking fuzzily in the early dawn (read: barely any light out)…and found myself surrounded by a bunch of strange *men*. Unable to remember what happened, I let out a little shriek of surprise, and backed up into the handle of Gimli's axe.  
  
"Ow…"I moaned, looking completely lost and confused. "Where in the shmegging heck am I?"  
  
Then I saw Jessica, curled up all sweetly with Aragorn. Wait a minute. With Aragorn?  
  
"Ohhhhh, yeah…now I remember," I said to myself sleepily. " I'm with the Fellowship…crappage, mom's prolly having a heart attack right about now…" Unable to stay awake, I returned to where I had lain before, curled up against Legolas, much as Jessica was against Aragorn. Giggling, I stole Gandalf's hat and put it over my face before I went to sleep, for no particular reason at all.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"You fool girl! What are you doing with my hat?" Gandalf demanded, shaking me awake.  
  
"Um…I felt like wearing it on my face. Be nice! I'm up, I'm up…" I dragged myself to my feet, pulling the wizard's hat off and handing it back to him, shivering a little at the cold air.  
  
All around me, everyone else was already awake, except for Jessica, who, like me, was but *half* awake. We are not morning people.  
  
"I want a hairbrush…" I said, putting a hand to my thick, reddish-goldish-light-brownish-hair, and wincing at how frizzed out it felt. If there's one thing I worry about, it's my hair, because it's so long, and if I neglect it, it takes hours to brush out.  
  
"Legolas, *you* of all people ought to have a brush!" Jessica said pointedly, eyeing his perfect, platinum blond hair. "Do you?"  
  
Rolling his eyes just a little, Legolas handed me a hairbrush.  
  
"Don't spend forever," he warned me. "We have to break camp and be on our way, soon."  
  
"Oh, don't worry!" I replied nonchalantly, since my hair was already pretty near to perfect. (that's the one thing about my appearance that always works for me: smooth, shiny hair that's actually easy to maintain.)  
  
"Hey, is there anything to eat?"  
  
"Of course there is!" Pippin returned, looking shocked that I had asked. "Sam's the best cook around!"  
  
Sam blushed, and I grinned at Jessica. Hobbits are so cute.  
  
"Lighting a fire would make us too conspicuous, Pip," Frodo cautioned. "We'll have to do with something quick that we can eat cold."  
  
Pippin looked disappointed, and I couldn't blame him. I would be disappointed, too, if I had to miss second breakfast, elevenths, afternoon tea AND dinner, and what I *did* eat was cold, on top of it all. Fortunately, I don't eat like a Hobbit, so *I* wasn't suffering as much.  
  
"I want some food…" Jessica said hopefully, giving everyone the puppy eyes again. We hadn't eaten since lunch the day before, and we were starving almost as much as Pippin.  
  
Aragorn tossed an apple over his shoulder at her, and she caught it, with a "well, it's better than starving!" look on her face.  
  
"Oi! Ranger-kingly-Aragorn-person? I'm kinda starving, too!" I called out from where I was sitting on the ground, helping Merry to get his bedroll and things all nice and orderly again. "I'll prolly faint on the journey if I don't have some food…and that wouldn't be nice…or good."  
  
Rolling his eyes, Aragorn threw an apple at me and, amazingly, I caught it.  
  
"Oh! I am *so* good!" I exclaimed triumphantly, grinning around at everyone.  
  
Legolas looked amused, and Boromir shook his head in amazement. Was the girl insane?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
In Isengard, Saruman sat with his palantir before him, watching in malignant amusement as I grabbed Frodo's right hand in my left, and went down on one knee, right arms stretched out before me as I belted out that song from "Moulin Rouge." The one that goes:  
  
"There was a boy.  
  
A very strange enchanted boy…"  
  
Yeah. That one.  
  
He watched as Jessica tried to tie Legolas's hair into a knot, as she stole Gandalf's staff again, and as she pestered anyone and everyone with questions about Caradhras.  
  
"They think to take those maidens to Caradhras?" he sneered to himself. "The fools. They'll never make it. Especially if one of the girls has…a misfortune."  
  
He was looking at me.  
  
"Ulfwush!" He called out, and an Orc presented herself (yes, there are female Orcs) before him.  
  
"Wait until they are off Caradhras, capture the singing girl, and bring her here. I have seen her before. She does not fight."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"And while we talked of many things/fools and kings/this he said to me:/ the greatest thing/you'll ever learn/is just to love/ and be loved/ in…re...tuuuuurrrrrrrn!"  
  
I sang dramatically, letting go of Frodo and toppling over in the grass.  
  
"There are plenty of fools here," Gandalf grumbled good- naturedly, snatching his staff back from Jessica.  
  
"Come on, girl, let's get going! The mountain is not far."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A/N: Jessica, what's going to happen on Caradhras? Saruman's got it in for me at Moria… 


	6. I wish it had a name, but alas, it is na...

LOL Rita! Well, now it's my turn… so I guess it's back to Jessica's POV. (I think I forgot to tell you that chappy 4 was in my POV. Oh well, you got it anyway cause your all very smart people! O_O)  
  
~*~  
  
"My name is not 'girl' Gandalf!" I said, pointing my nose in the air just for effect. "My name is 'Jessica.' Now say it…"  
  
Gandalf looked at me like I was crazy.  
  
"Say it." I told him again. "Go on…"  
  
He continued to stare at me.  
  
"Go on… say 'Jessica'…" I talked to him like I would a small child learning to talk.  
  
"Jessica." He mumbled under his breath, and the way he said it was just so funny I had to laugh. I turned from him to see Rita finishing her song and skipped up to her.  
  
"Hey Rita, sing another!" I prompted. She was only to glad to.  
  
"They laugh at me, these fellows ,/just because I am small./They laugh at me because I'm not a hundred feel tall!/I tell 'em there's a lot to learn down here on the ground./The world is big, but little people turn it around."  
  
I joined in and we sang together. "A worm can roll a stone/a been can sting a bear./A fly can fly around Versailles/'Cos flies don't care!/A sparrow in a hat/can make a happy home./A flea can bite the bottom of the Pope in Rome!" We continued to sing as loudly as we could, getting strange looks from our traveling companions. Well, who cares. We like to sing. And at least they were noticing us.  
  
"If you to do not stop your singing this instant we will leave you hear!" Boromir threatened.  
  
"Oh." I said in my cutest, most baby voice I could manage. I was the cute one. Rita was the spokesperson. That's just how it was.  
  
"Let's go!" Rita said, stepping forward. "Onward!"  
  
I began to follow, and being me, was reminded of a Disney movie. I began to sing: "We're following the leader/the leader/the leader/We're following the leader/wherever he should go!" I would have continued, but I was *rudely* hit by a flying stick. Of all the places for a stick to fly, right into my head. I glanced up at Rita who was explaining to Legolas all about earth, where we came from. I decided to go help.  
  
"…And there are cars so we don't have to walk everywhere, and you have to be careful, cause some people don't drive very well, and they might hit you and then you'd get hurt, and that's not fun, but usually it's ok cause if you're a good driver you can avoid them." Rita smiled widely.  
  
"It sounds like a dangerous place." Legolas mused, wondering just what a car looked like.  
  
"I'm cold!" I said, popping up out of no where.  
  
"Your always cold!" Rita told me, and I nodded.  
  
"But that doesn't change the fact that I am cold now. Hey Gandalf… do ya think you can make it warmer?" I asked. If I had known I would be meeting the Fellowship and be getting very cold, I would have dressed warmer. Something besides my cute, short, jean skirt and a tank top. Well, no use dwelling on the past.  
  
"I want a-"  
  
"Quiet." Gandalf put a hand over Rita's mouth, who was about to announce that she wanted a latte to wake her up. Come to think about it, so did I.  
  
"There may be danger. Stay close." Aragorn explained, and I was all to happy to comply with his wishes. Rita "stayed close" to Legolas as we continued our journey.  
  
~*~  
  
Well, basically NOTHING productive got done in that chapter. Oh well. It was still fun to write, hope it was fun to read for you guys! Let us know by reviewing! Yes, please please please review! 


	7. Orc lunches, mantras and hot springs

A/N: Much thanks to Luimenel!! I'm flattered to be on someone's highly- esteemed favorites list! ^.^ This means we have to keep the updates coming pretty fast now, so we'll try our best! Back in Rita's POV.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I walked contentedly in between Frodo and Gimli (to make me feel tall), not even disappointed that Boromir had squelched my singing and Gandalf had deprived me(?) of a latte. I wondered, if I asked the ancient Maia very nicely, he would conjure me a latte. Somehow, I doubted it.  
  
Jessica and I had long since given up on trying to describe modern Earth to Legolas and the others; it was getting too complicated. With any luck, they would come to *our* time next time (if there was a next time) and experience it for themselves.  
  
"Can you ladies sing another song?" Frodo asked shyly.  
  
"Aye, your voices are right pretty!" Sam put in.  
  
I winced, weighing the consequences in my mind. This would bode no good for me and Jessica; I had read enough fanfics to know that our nice hair and strong voices made us sound a Hell of a lot like Mary-Sues. (Who came up with that term, anyway?)  
  
Against our better judgment, we agreed, feeling that the Mary-Sue damage had been done. And if it wasn't, Gandalf would just shut us up, anyway.  
  
"A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but diamonds are a girl's best friend!  
  
A kiss, although grand, will not pay the rental on your humble flat or help to feed your pussycat!"  
  
We sang together, semi-flirtatiously, pouting our lips in a mock-petulant fashion and throwing a wink at everyone, up to and including Gandalf and Gimli (who enjoyed our attention, I think.)  
  
I half giggled, before continuing. This was too funny, especially the looks on the Hobbits' faces.  
  
"Men grow cold, and girls grow old, and we all lose our charms in the end," I sang, mock-pouting and shimmying a little as I sang the word 'charms,' with a quick kiss blown in the direction of Merry, who grinned and blushed at the teasing.  
  
"But square-cut or pear-shaped, these rocks don't lose their shape! Diamonds are a girl's best friend!"  
  
On 'friend,' Jessie and I each threw our arms about Boromir's neck and kicked a foot out behind us. We were about to go to the next line when Gandalf thwopped each of us on the head with that Staff of Doom and told us to "stop that foolishness."  
  
"Sorry…" Jessica said, with her patented "I-am-cute" look. "We were just having fun. We're excited to be here, that's all."  
  
"If *I* were a young maiden of such tender age as your own appears to be," Aragorn interjected, rolling his blue-gray eyes, "I would not flirt so"---he shot a look at me---"nor would I be so excited to come along on this quest. It is a dangerous one, and it would be better for you to be afraid, or at least show caution."  
  
"Hey! Are you going all chauve-y" ---read: chauvinistic---"on me?" I demanded, frowning. I cannot *stand* chauvinistic men.  
  
"*No, *" he explained, looking a little testy. "You do not realize the danger of this quest. You could be hurt, perhaps killed!"  
  
This thought had been preying in my mind for the past day, since our encounter with the Orcs, and I bit my lip, looking at Jessica. She shrugged.  
  
"Well, if the Orcs or something don't kill us, our moms *will*." She reminded me.  
  
I shuddered. "I'll take the Orcs…as long as they don't go after the fanfic type Orc, and, uh…take advantage of me, if you get my drift."  
  
We both flinched. That was just nasty.  
  
"I doubt," Gimli began, "that any Orc would be smart enough to figure out *how* to take advantage of a girl. You needn't worry."  
  
Boromir looked at Jessica and I, shaking his head. "What strange, aye, almost foolish, girls are these."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"So you *still* haven't found out where they are?" My mom asked Jessica's mom over the phone, twirling the cord anxiously.  
  
"No. I'm even starting to miss the incessant tapping of the keyboard and singing of 'Les Miserables.'" Jessica's mom returned.  
  
"Well, call me if you hear anything…it's been a day and a half…I'm starting to worry."  
  
My mom hung up, sitting down at the table beside my sister.  
  
"D'you think she ran away? She's threatened to do it before."  
  
Julia shook her head, brown waves bouncing.  
  
"Nah…I'm telling you, Orcs made lunch out of her. Pity they had to take Jess, though."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
THREE DAYS LATER…  
  
We had *finally* ascended Caradhras. At first, Jessi and I had liked the snow, but now…it was just getting to be a pain in the butt. I was mentally making a list in my head of things that I missed from modern times:  
  
"European shampoos, deep conditioning, lotion, razors, band- aids, CD players, coffees, sodas, fanfiction.net, Monty Python…"  
  
"What *are* you doing?" Legolas asked me, as I repeated the words like a mantra.  
  
"Thinking of stuff I have to live without. I don't really *care*, but after going funky for three days…some of that bath stuff from modern times would be nice. Other than that, I'm adapted." I didn't add that my feet were giving me *Hell*, and I didn't *dare* ask for a massage of any sort.  
  
He shrugged, though still looking a bit perplexed. "If chanting 'deep conditioning, lotion, razors, et cetera' helps you any, I fail to see how."  
  
I laughed, shaking my head. "It doesn't. I was acting so high- maintenance that it scared even me."  
  
Pippin tore past me, pelting me with snow, running after Merry, with Sam and Frodo on his heels.  
  
"Hurry up, lass!" he shouted, grabbing my hand excitedly.  
  
"What did you find?" Aragorn asked urgently of the little Hobbit. This could mean nothing, or it could be crucial. With Pippin, you could never tell.  
  
Jessica was bouncing excitedly. "We're on a mountain…I hope it's what I *think* it is…think Japan, think Japan…"  
  
"A HOT SPRING!" Sam called back excitedly, still running off.  
  
The rest of us shared a look, and then went darting off after the Hobbits.  
  
"BATH!" Jessi and I yelled, sprinting ahead of even Legolas. (Well, OK…stumbling and tripping and falling and sliding, but that doesn't matter)  
  
When we got up to that glorious site—an ellipsoidal, deep pool of steaming, clear water, I made a decision:  
  
I was *way* too dirty to be modest. My hair had twigs, leaves, dirt and other gross stuff in it, and I didn't even wanna think about what I could possibly *smell* like. I couldn't have cared if half of Middle Earth was there; I tore off my clothes and dove into the spring, much like everyone else would do when they got there. To Hell with modesty.  
  
A/N: LOL! I like hot springs…( I thought that was fun to write…leave a nice one and let me know what you thought! 


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